Frustrated

I want a job so very very badly. I would love to be a waitress again but have not been able to get anywhere past an interview. I think it is my confidence that is doing it. I used to be really confident but then a bunch of bad things started happening beginning in late 2007 early 2008 to knock me down. I really try to pretend to be confident, but it never works. What does being beautiful matter if you have lost your 2 best friends in one night and your other friends drift away once they decide you aren't going to jump off a bridge from grief? I used to be outgoing and invited out all the time to parties and now I've managed to turn anti-social. I'm so used to just having family and my fiance that around other people I feel so anxious. I think because deep down I think it is my fault I was shut out of our tight group after the accident and my fault the other friends drifted away. I keep thinking I repel people and basically have lost my voice. I tend to stay quiet in groups and it is so hard to find anyone willing to connect. I miss the connection I shared with my soul mate/second hald/best girl friend and my best guy friend. What would they think of me now?