If I had a Time Machine there would be no need for dreams

I want to go back


In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

I never would have thought in 8th grade that creepy Poe would someday be the poet whose poetry so effortlessly captures the anguish of my tortured soul. I can't decide if my dreams are cruel or the only thing keeping me sane. I feel like I'm alive in my sleep and asleep in my life. When you two departed the earth something extinguished in me. I keep wondering if our souls are fireflies trapped inside and when your fireflies escaped the mangled steel frame where your bodies rest within, mine departed at the same time. I feel like I am in limbo and waiting for life to actually resume. Death isn't the end, but the true beginning.

Frustrated

I want a job so very very badly. I would love to be a waitress again but have not been able to get anywhere past an interview. I think it is my confidence that is doing it. I used to be really confident but then a bunch of bad things started happening beginning in late 2007 early 2008 to knock me down. I really try to pretend to be confident, but it never works. What does being beautiful matter if you have lost your 2 best friends in one night and your other friends drift away once they decide you aren't going to jump off a bridge from grief? I used to be outgoing and invited out all the time to parties and now I've managed to turn anti-social. I'm so used to just having family and my fiance that around other people I feel so anxious. I think because deep down I think it is my fault I was shut out of our tight group after the accident and my fault the other friends drifted away. I keep thinking I repel people and basically have lost my voice. I tend to stay quiet in groups and it is so hard to find anyone willing to connect. I miss the connection I shared with my soul mate/second hald/best girl friend and my best guy friend. What would they think of me now?